Split

I remember seeing the movie “Split” after I had been diagnosed with PTSD. I sat in the movie theatre and cried at the ending because it was profoundly moving. People who “suffer” with mental illness often feel trapped in their shells. They can be extremely lonely and often feel ostracized from what is deemed normal.

The reason why that movie was so profound at that specific time in my life was because I had cracked under the pressure of this life.  My perfect porcelain exterior had cracked wide open for everyone to see and feel they had a right to have an opinion. Most of the time, the opinion was condescending in tone no matter how tactful the approach. When you are diagnosed with a label many people feel it’s a excuse for their poor behavior and often times will dismiss their behavior behind Your diagnoses.

They will say things like, “wow,I know you can’t possibly understand this because xyz” or “well I think because of Your diagnoses you are feeling xyz” which isn’t the truth. It very well may be true however in that moment it only isolates the person more. The ending of “Split” is so powerful because it basically forces the viewer to look deep within themselves and face their own hypocrisy. Often times we avoid pain however anyone that has embarked on the journey of self discovery knows pain is an essential ingredient used to refine the soul. 

In the movie “Split,” the remaining survivor is trapped in a cage, trying desperately to protect herself from anymore hurt from an the killer. The killer is pulling on the cage to get to her, and to cause harm when he sees her scars. Her scars are the only thing that save her from the same fate the others endured. The killer says to her, “the broken are the more evolved.” This is a very pivotal line and at that point I was a puddle of tears in my seat. That  moment was so freeing! My whole life I had worn this mask to prove that I was not different because who wants to be different. Being different in any way causes immense pain and being diagnosed and labeled as broken or what I perceived at that time as broken was recasting to say the least. The killer’s next word brought about hope. He told her to REJOICE…

My friend was speechless but also in tears and when I looked over at my friend and my friend looked at me, we had our first real moment of true friendship. A moment that only two people who had been keeping the same secret know. We sat there crying and holding each other and this quickly turned into laughter as the other movie-goers were sitting there having their own experience. My friend told me they had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia and were taking Prozac as a way to deal with the very dark things that had happened to them. I told my friend “you are beautiful,loved and blessed. We both screamed,”Rejoice we are broken” to which I added “but we have yet to break!” Living with PTSD at times can be challenging but I wouldn’t change it for anything because it has given me a unique lens to see the world through, to see how many do not deal with their own mental issues yet are so willing to point the finger at those of us who are out in the open and dealing with it the best way we know how.

It has given me a deep sense of compassion for others and a need to connect at deeper levels with people. I am not ashamed of my brokenness or my scars, they are the very things that make me beautiful because I survived. Now the healing waters can come just like they did for the girl who was the lone survivor in “Split.”

 

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Letting Go To Embrace

One of my favorite movies is “The Labyrinth.” One of my favorite scenes in “The Labyrinth” is the junk lady scene after Sarah wakes from the dream where she was at the masquerade ball as she awakens it appears she is back at home in her bedroom. All the things she has collected and loved for many years are in that bedroom, all her valued childhood things. Suddenly she sees a older woman who is going through her stuff and literally putting it on herself her back to be more accurate. This old haggard woman is bogged down by the weight she is applying and carrying on her back she can’t stand tall and appears to be proud that her back is bent and occupied by the weight she has put on herself to carry.

The old haggard woman begins to give the young lady things to hold onto. They are her things from the past specifically her childhood her beloved childhood items. However, it feels wrong that she is accepting more gifts from the woman to put on her back she isn’t at peace the very things that use to comfort her now don’t feel right for this moment of her life. Sarah is trying very hard to remember what it is she is missing, what her mission is, where she is and why she is there. More importantly why she doesn’t have peace about being in the midst of her own belongings.  She looks puzzled, afraid and confused looking at this weighed down older woman who is basically a bag lady carrying trash that she calls her treasure as the bag lady begins to offer Sarah more stuff to carry her intent is to distract her from finding her brother Sarah utters a simple word that holds so much power she says no!

The old weighed down bag lady acts like she doesn’t hear her she keeps telling her here dear you love this remember you love this and she tries to start putting items on Sarah’s back so Sarah can become like her a bag lady. As Sarah comes to herself she immediately starts tossing down all her beloved items because in that moment she remembers who she is and why she is there she has a mission to complete. She must save her brother and complete the labyrinth in order to find herself. Sarah doesn’t realize in this moment of turning away from the very things that are holding her back and trying to weigh her down and distract her the very act of her uttering a simple word NO! She has reclaimed her power and her position. She is no longer allowing her circumstances to dictate her outcome. She has now become the master of the Labyrinth by saying no.

What have you been holding onto for way too long that is bring the weight upon your back? Do you think you need to let it go? You might love it or it may have fit in your life at one point  it may even bring you great comfort,and it may be something that you couldn’t ever see yourself putting down or walking away from. However, now might be the time where you need to start saying no to the things that are making you slump over as you walk it is time for you to let go, you must let go. So you can stand tall and embrace completing your own personal labyrinth.

Do what Sarah  did when she remembered who she was and her purpose for being here she began to toss off any and everything that was distracting her from completing the Labyrinth and saving her brother Toby. Is there anything in your life trying to bog you down anything that makes you feel heavy. I dare you to toss it off and run towards the future. Don’t become a haggard old lady who can’t even stand tall but is slumped over by the trash she refuses to let go of. Cast your cares and the weight of this world upon him for his yoke is easy and his burden is light.

Twin-Flames: The Purpose of Your Twin

I’m here to give my perspective on “love” and the twin-flame. After much debate and utter inner turmoil through personal experience, I have concluded that the twin-flames have total freedom to be whoever or whatever they want to be to each other. Here freedom exists, there are no restrictions. The mission is the goal. If you do not know what I mean by mission, I am talking about the divine work that must be done by the twins in order to fulfill their divine given purpose for being here. In order to explain things clearly, I will at times use analogy’s or parables.

Having said that, I want to dive in real quick to the wonderful world of twin-flame sex. First, let me say that sex is not taboo. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to having it with your twin. I think the chemistry and sex is the carrot dangled in front of us to get us on our way down the path to self. It acts as the vehicle through which comes healing, deep self knowing and acceptance. Twin-flames sex is opening and freeing for both twins. Why? It is the ultimate expression of ones self. We often do things with our twin that we wouldn’t dream of doing elsewhere or with anyone else. Why? It is us in communication with our higher selves. We are connecting to the source through our source. Therefore, we are allowed to get rid of the programming and ego based around sex. We are free to act out things that bring understanding as well as healing and through the act of sex we are able to connect at deep levels not only with our twin but with ourselves. We are able to look at ourselves through another pair of eyes. This does not bring shame or confine our sexual expression but it allows us to completely be ourselves to ourselves. Your twin will know exactly what to do in order to unlock and open parts of you that have always been there but for whatever reason you never dared to explore.

When we first meet our twin it is utter chaos. Why? Most of the time it comes at the craziest time in our lives. We could be in the middle of a karmic or soulmate relationship or just going through a low point in our lives. Most of the time we aren’t looking for our twin and it brings with it all the baggage of self that most be gone through, looked at and dissected in order to emerge as our true selves. Yet with it and under all of that there is total calm.

I hear a lot of twins saying this isn’t like all my other relationships . I don’t feel what I felt for others before I met you. Instead of you using all the relationships prior to meeting your twin-flame to gauge whether or not this is your twin-flame (relationships that were solely built on and in ego), take a second to step back and look at those relationships through the eyes of spirit. Do not compare your twin-flame relationships to those that were forged in ego. There is no comparison. They are from two complete different worlds. One is the world of ego and the other is that of spirit. Twin-flames is about spirit and growing into who you are meant to be. If you choose to accept the twin-flame path. We all have free will and spirit will not force you to participate. It will simply nod its head and leave you right where you are choosing to be. We get mixed up between soul mates and karmics all of which are valid to our human experience and growth but none of those are the ultimate connection to your higher self or self improvement. They are just constructs meant to entrap you not enhance you.
Next…

Can Twin-flames be romantic? Sure, of course they can. If each twin fully accepts and does the inner work, they will see there is no better counter part for them because it releases them from all ego while at the same time launching them into their life purpose. This brings about peace and total fulfillment . The bigger picture is that of coming into full alignment with your higher self. It is the type of relationship that should be and is void of ego and purely spiritual. The connection is mind boggling and takes a minute to get use to. It will mirror you where you are and make you deal with your shit in order to take on the mantle and walk in your purpose. Your twin will fit your life purpose in every way because you two are meant to change society’s view on what Love really is and there are many ways to do this. The foundation of love is friendship. It is written that this is the description of love and I think spirit wants us all to put all of our “love” relationships in this and look hard. If it doesn’t fit this then its not love nor of the spirit but it is solely ego that is operating. This is where spirit wants the twin-flames to be and operate from.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

Meditate upon those words and know if it doesn’t fit you must acquit and call it what it really is….an Egoship not a twinflame relationship.

 

* photo credit: An Autum Afternoon by Eddie Claz

What do I Cherish?

cherished

I’m fortunate enough to cherish many things. Like my daughter, my supportive mom, dad and sister. My few but warrior friends. My good health. However I’m going to be cheesy and dedicate this one to my loving dog Sassy who passed earlier this year.

I cherished the time I was able to have with her. I remember growing up and not being able to have a dog because I’m allergic but always loving animals. I didn’t care if my eyes glued shut and my skin and nose itched and oozed from the rash that would breakout on my body. I knew from an early age something was missing and it was a furry friend. When I turned 18, I was lucky enough to have a best friend who loved animals as much as I did and she worked in a pet store as the manager. She told me about the perfect breed of dog for me, the Bichon frise. Just hearing that, I knew it was something that would change my life. I went on my search for what I believe to be one of the best dog breeds ever created. I hit the jackpot not long after by calling local pet salons. I was given a name and number of a breeder who was serious about finding good homes for her beloved babies. She was a serious dog lover. She had 3 immaculate dogs, all pure breed, best in show and she wanted to make sure that the mom had a say in who got her babies. I had to audition just to get my Sassy and I remember going up to this big home hearing all the yummy barks. As soon as the door opened, I knew I had to do whatever to win over the mom dog and get my baby. All of the dogs were pristine, able to break even the toughest dog haters heart. Well maybe dog hater is too strong a word! I was concerned about my mom because she seemed to be unmoved by my cries as a kid to ” please, please, please get me a dog!” I didn’t know the dark secret that lay in her heart. She had a doggy love when she was a child that had died and she didn’t want her kids to experience that. However, when my mother and I saw these dogs, it was love at first sight.

Now back to what I did that was really hard but really smart. These dogs were like floating cotton, you just wanted to touch them. But something inside said ” nope ask about the mother first and let her come to you. ”
She was so beautiful! I would’ve taken her if I could’ve but the owner would’ve wrestled me to the floor before I even got to the door. Her eyes were deep pools of coco and full of love but I could see she was sizing me up. She took notice of how I was concerned for her and she ran to me asked to be picked up and I just talked to her as if she was my dog. I asked her how she felt about being pregnant and if she was getting along well. Her owner said she never does that with anyone and I fell in love. She gave me the approval lick and it was history after that. I got monthly calls to know how things were going and I even got to pick my Sassy out.

Sassy was the first born and just perfect. I treated her like she was my first born. I cooked for her and introduced her to the world. I bathed her daily and even wiped her down with baby wipes just to make sure she was the cleanest, and best smelling dog. Sassy and I were inseparable. Our love was amazing. She saw me through many things: my first pregnancy and the loss of it, the birth of my only child, my daughter. She saw me in all my many colors and excepted me for who and what I was. Sassy was so awesome! People would come up to us (by us, I mean Sassy and I) and ask to buy her. One time, I made up a crazy number and the person doubled it. I even had relatives asking to buy her. The breeder that sold her to me, 4 yrs later called and tried to get her back for unspeakable amounts of money but I could never sell Sassy. She was family.

In her last days, she faithfully followed me everywhere even though I begged her not too. I still remember her in my lap, breathing her last breath. Her body was warm for a while after she left and I cried like I never cried before. I had lost my beloved best doggie friend and family and I was a mess.

I thought long and hard about what to write about and I knew I wanted to honor her. There are countless wonderful memories I could share but I think you get the point. I cherished and still cherish my Sassy. She was the best dog I ever had and I’m so grateful she picked me to be her human.