How I discovered I am a Writer

I’ve gotten feedback from my “I Jumped” post. It seems a lot of us are in the same place. I call it ‘the great shaking-to-awakening’. Could the universe be trying to tell us something? For many years I have been in hiding. No, not hiding from the mob. More like hiding from myself ,and  all the clear signs my soul and the universe have been trying to send me over the course of my life. I recently found the still small voice inside asking myself over and over again, “How do I want to show up in the world? How do I want myself and others to know me as?” Most people, including myself, didn’t know I am a writer. The fault is all mine. I was wrestling with myself for many years, trying to answer the infinite(?) question of ‘WHO AM I? Who do I want to be?’ I always knew I wanted to be something out of this world big.

I always envisioned my life being as big as the universe. In my dreams I never put any limits on myself but in real life I found all the limits and stopped myself.  I feel like I stumbled through life willingly accepting the perceptions of others as truths. Willingly putting on many different hats that never seemed to fit. Trying to force all that is uniquely me into boxes or houses that I was never meant to fit into, all along never really feeling comfortable with myself, because deep inside my soul was dying. All this self-denial was killing the very spirit G-d gave to me. I felt myself disappearing. Not to say that I don’t enjoy the many parts of my life, (some more than others),but that’s not all I am or can be. Finally I took time to listen to the number 1 expert on me…Ding DING, ME! I quieted all the other voices in and around me. You know the ones I’m speaking of. The recordings in our heads from only the sky knows where. The voices of doubt, fear and unbelief. 

The voices that are the life-suckers of dreams. When we are young we don’t know who those voices are, until someone in our life who has been listening to them decides we dreamers need a wake up call. So they set up the “I’m concerned about you” type meetings where they introduce you to Doubt, Fear and Unbelief. Not because they are inherently evil and want to be dream killers, but they got trapped in the cycle with those voices and it sounded reasonable to them. Hell! It ends up sounding reasonable to you as well, the longer you live. The voices always bring up examples of the earthly responsibility we all have with coming of age. Get a “normal” 9-5 type job to take care of ourselves, so we can acquire more stuff than we need ,and join every one else in the “I don’t feel like this job is my life calling, but hey it pays the bills” line. Don’t get me wrong.

We all have to find our way in life and be responsible; but who said once you get a job you have to stop dreaming,or working on your dreams?  Most of the worlds richest and  most successful people had one thing in common. They all were dreamers who didn’t give up no matter what others said. They had the insight and vision to help make all of our lives easier and more enjoyable. I’m in no way suggesting we all quit our jobs and run after dreams ,but how about a balance where we at least try our dreams? Maybe some of you are living your dreams, and to you I say’ congrats, well done’. To the others, I have some advice about how I discovered mine. How I am living life more and more each day ,waking up being fulfilled, and feeling the satisfaction of knowing I tried when I go to my final sleep(death). What I found, and how I found it, may be of help to you on your own search for your soul’s journey. We all are born with a unique set of gifts.

What are those gifts you might ask? How do we find them? Those are big questions with very easy answers. So easy, in fact many of you might disregard the process.  I feel like I can help be a guide for whoever is reading this blog by just being honest and baring my heart. I don’t think we are all that different from one another. First off, I want to start by saying, No One else can give you the answers your soul is Screaming at you. No one else can hear your inner voice, and no one else can live your life. We are powerful beings who sometimes willingly, or maybe not so willingly, give our power over to things that should never be dictating our lives. I’m talking about things like fear, negative self-thinking, or never even trying because no one else we know has ever done anything like what we feel we should be doing.  Many times we hear people who we secretly think have it all together speak in these varied terms. we silently think to ourselves Gifts? What are they talking about? Newsflash! We all have them. We just don’t all honor or listen to them.

They are also very easy to find. If you will allow me to guide you in a simple exercise, something that I feel will help you reconnect with yourself: Think back to when you were young. What did you like to do? In playing with your friends, what part did you play? What role did you play? Face it, we all play roles throughout life. Some we choose, some are forced upon us, others we just happen into. But in order to pin point what our gifts are and why we were put here, I’d like us to do the “what roles have I been playing in life?” game Yes, I just came up with that name for this exercise.This is something I did for myself, and it helped. Ok; take a moment to quiet your brain and listen to your heart’s memories. Think back to a time when you were growing up and you were with your friends. Were you the leader? The one always telling the others what games or activities you’d play? Were you a comforter/ advice giver? The one everyone always came to for help? Were you the protector, the one that came across more like a second parent? Write that down now. Moving on through your life: in quiet moments, what were your dreams? What did you picture yourself doing? If you are like me, many things come up.

But the more you dig ,you will notice a theme. Now,In the roles you played,which ones were you most ‘yourself’ in? Did you notice a theme? Even if you can’t make a living at it, just be honest with yourself. The reason I had us do this exercise is to get us out of our fear-zone and into our dream-zone. Our dream-zone is where we find out why we are here. Life isn’t all about making money. Now don’t get me wrong, of course we want to be paid well and be able to provide for ourselves and our families. But how many of us are happy and truly fulfilled while doing that? I mean, are we living the best life we possibly could? Or if you hit the lotto ,would you quit your job and finally live? Do you have that secret list of things you’d only do if you hit the lotto? Well ,guess what. I’m here to tell you that the time to do them is now. No, I’m not saying quit your job. But what I am saying is, Why not now? Why can’t you find a way to do both? Yes, I know you hear that voice of fear telling you every reason you can’t, and trust me for years I listened to it ,only to end up here trying to re-write my life.

Now I am going to share the steps that led me to my discovering I’m a writer. I was known,and am known ,by my family as the ‘idea person’. I am always coming up with the ways things should be, or could be. I never seem to run out of ideas. When I was younger, I was the kid, along with my sister, that set the scene for all the other kids during playtime and later in life. We invented worlds,people,places and we would get lost in them for hours. In high school, I was lucky enough to take a creative writing class and it was that teacher who first told me I was a writer. At that time, I had the vision to see everything but writing. I’ve always been the type to go big or go home,but life doesn’t work that way, and after many years of rude awakening after rude awakening, I have decided to honor myself. Even then in high school, I was telling everyone my dreams. I dreamed of having it all, and boy was I dramatic. I wanted to be a pop star, and went after that dream. I wanted to be a dancer, and went after that. I wanted to be a movie director, and yes I even went after that. In all those things I was very good, I even wrote a few children’s books and movie scripts.

Writing was always in the background. But it still didn’t hit me, “Hello you are a writer.” At work, as a way to pass the time, I would write. When I had the courage, I would show those close to me, and they would love my wild poems or short stories, but still I had no idea I was a writer. Going to the movies, I always thought it was the director in me that was saying “that could’ve been told better'” “the story or that ending sucked” or “that didn’t make any sense,” “If I was directing I would’ve done x, y or z different.” And it wasn’t until life put pressure on me that I was forced to answer the call that had always been there.” You are a writer. There is a saying that goes like this:’ hindsight is 20/20′ It couldn’t be more true than in my own story, because looking back it makes sense; my mood swings, my wanting to be alone so I could think or play dialogue in my head, or my being in a room and seeing everyone there as a character in a story. A favorite pastime of mine is going to a place, any place, and making up life stories for people. I can entertain myself for hours, and the few friends I let into my world find it hilarious.

So there you have it I am a writer and I believe that having accepted that truth, living in it will open the universal doors to my life. Do I expect my life to change over night? I don’t know, but I do expect to be more comfortable in my own skin, and as with everything else, I plan to attack this with zeal. Wherever it leads,even if it is just me doing this as a hobby, I know I will go to bed at night feeling I haven’t wasted my life. The funny thing about finding out what you are here to do, at least for me, is you want to help others feel the same way. So that is why I started this blog. To get the conversation going and tell each and every one of you that tomorrow isn’t written in stone, and you are the writers of your personal story. If your life was a book, wouldn’t you want it to read like a best seller?

Again I ask you, as well as myself. Why not Now? What is it that you have been putting off that you know would brighten your days, even if no one else is doing it? I dare you to step out in faith and start a club or a group, talk to your friends and family, don’t stay stuck. We are energy, and energy is best served moving. So what’s the worst that could happen you fail? You waste time? I say, aren’t you doing both by not trying, and what’s the best that could happen? How do you want to show up in the world? How do you want to be remembered? I have a saying I say to my family: “I don’t want to die full of things I never did, but I want to die empty.” Nothing is holding you back except yourself. I’m done making excuses for “why not.” I’m ready to start making plans for, Why Not Now?

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